A Pasadena Conversation

Tonight was a 'Pasadena' evening.

I arrived home around 9p and was carrying the kids inside. A middle-aged man in shorts and a grey wife beater was taking a leisurely walk down the street. Seeing me with the kids, he commented, "Blink and they'll grow up! It goes by fast." I turned at the door and smiled. "Yes", I said. "It's true. They do grow up fast." "What a sweet old fellow!", I thought.

He added, "Yep. I'm so proud of my little girl. This weekend she's competing in her fourth bikini and football event at Hooters."

I choked on my "How nice!" and stood stupified. I stuttered, furrowing my brow and trying to think of an appropriate response. How in the world do you reply to such a statement?

"Why how nice. Will your family be watching?",
"Do you think she'll place in the wet t-shirt contest?"
"You must have trained her well."
"Did you and her mom go bikini shopping with her? Must have been a proud family moment."

Seeing my hesitation, he quickly added "She's got a good head on her shoulders." It's good to know somebody in the family does. I'm sure Hooters called her because of her nicely shaped head.

Good news, Ellawynn. The man in the wife beater says that if you work hard and eat your vegetables, you can grow up to compete in bikini contests at hooters. Do try. I'd be so proud. It will give me something to talk over with the neighbors during my evening constitutionals.

Today, I am contemplating napkin rings. I have two sets. The first is made of black metal twisted into "artistic" squiggly circles and the second contains giant blue plastic circles with tacky-looking Cala lilies glued on top, so large they look as if they were made for an elephant's tea party. They sit in a drawer in my dining room, and, every few months, I bump into them as I rummage through the drawer for some odd or end that is missing. Each time, I think, "I should get rid of these rings. I never use them." Then my inner hostess replies, "but they're napkin rings! What if I want to have a fancy meal and I set out nice cloth napkins and there are no rings to put them in. " I reply, "But I don't even have nice cloth napkins. I have some orange pieces of cloth and some ivy print hemmed squares that I inherited from the leavings of a yard sale or perhaps it was Aunt Ida's estate sale. I can't remember. Either way, I'm sure they'll never match with anything or elevate any table setting now known to man." She answers, "But I might suddenly inherit a large collection of fine linen napkins from a long lost relative I've never heard of. They could be fine white linen from England. There I will be... swimming in a pile of beautiful embroidered napkins, with VIPs lining up at my door for a fancy dinner party and gourmet food, and me heartbroken because I haven't a single napkin ring." I can't argue with her well-thought out arguments, so I close the drawer and walk away. The rings remain, alone in their little plastic bags, waiting for napkins that don't yet exist. Twisty metal and giant blue elephant lilies, proof, apparently, that I am a classy hostess.

Why Blog? Because the 420 character limit on Facebook is driving me crazy. I spend at least 30 minutes a day editing them down, down, down, down to fit into the Facebook nazi's little box. Because I'm already budgeting my Facebook posts so I don't annoy my friends with throughout-the-day updates on my life, garden, and kids. Because, doggone it, I refuse to be a Twitter. And lastly, on those days when my kids aren't listening, I burnt dinner, and I've lost one more cucumber plant to bacterial wilt, so I can pretend that there are millions of people waiting breathlessly to hang on my every word. Hi, Millions of people. Hope the words are worth hanging on... or worth reading every day....or reading once a week..or worth thinking about reading before you delete the notification email. Thanks.